The Idol I’m Fighting
an ongoing battle with lists
I love to make lists. Currently:
I have 4 column list: Now. Later. Home. Business.
I have an ongoing list to record what I’m learning or things I want to remember.
Monthly, Weekly, & Daily Goals.
A daily “good list” of 3-5 things I’m grateful for.
A list of prayers.
A list of thank you notes, cards, & gifts I’d like to give.
A list of books to read.
A list of the funny things my daughter says.
& then of course, there’s the grocery list.
I like to keep them tidy on a notepad. Or in a notebook. I only use a Muji .38 pen to write & a gray highlighter to cross off completed tasks. When I’m on the go, I frequently refer to the notes app on my phone. I find great satisfaction in tapping on the open bubble to “close out” a task & watching it move to the bottom of the list. DONE.
I’m the gal who makes a list because it helps me feel more organized. I make lists to get it all out of my head. They are a boost of confidence that surely I have my life together. It’s my way of fixing things. A manifestation of my expectations.
It’s an on-going battle:
Attempting to make all things “right”. In my home. In my world. & Reminding myself the Lord is actually making all things new.
Then the one seated on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new.” He also said, “Write THIS DOWN, because these words are faithful and true.”
Revelation 21:5
It’s one thing to find delight in making lists. It’s another feeling when you realize they’ve become an idol.
Moments I realized I had a problem…
MY THOUGHTS
I found myself thinking more about what needed to be done than spending time & being present with those around me. Productivity over people. Always thinking about the next thing.
MY EMOTIONS
If I was happy, that was a good indication I’d been super productive! If I was frustrated & impatient, I was tired of being interrupted. In short, my emotions & mood were connected to how much I had accomplished that day.
DEFINITION OF SUCCESS
Every night. I find myself in the same place. Putting my head on the pillow & wondering if what I did that day was enough. Rationalizing with myself that yes, today was a good day. You’re evaluating things all wrong. Feeling discouraged. Grateful tomorrow is new. Asking God: What are we doing?
MY CONVERSATIONS
A lot of my conversations were centered around how much I’d accomplished, was planning to do, or the much that was left.
NO FUN
I struggled to be fun, find fun, & have fun.
COMPLETE = FREE
I love the feeling of being caught up. On top of things. Complete! Only then can I feel free. When all is “right”, then I can watch a movie. Then I can doodle or watercolor. Then I can rest.
ONLY I CAN DO IT
I was allowing tasks to rest on my shoulders. Expectations no one had asked of me. On many occasions, “if I don’t do it, it’s not going to happen.”
REWRITING TASKS
I found myself rewriting what I hadn’t accomplished the day before. Feeding the discouragement & yet somehow still having determination & hope that it will be completed today.
RATIONALIZING
You don’t need a to-do list. But I most certainly do.
GOOD INTENTIONS
I meant well. It’s not that I hadn’t surrendered the tasks of the day to Him. I’m making the effort to be a good steward. Making much of what I’ve been given. Taking care of my family to the best of my ability.
PROCESSING
I keep finding myself in the same place. I am laboring without rest to acquire that which I cannot keep.
CONTROL
I used my list as a tool to know what I’m doing. & Where I’m going. To control the controllable. Remain focused.
where do I go from here?
Curious. I wanted to see what the Bible said about lists. Here’s what I found.
lists we find in the Bible
Genealogies & inventories.
Instructions (To build an ark, the tabernacle, the temple)
The 10 Commandments (God’s life-giving, perfect law)
12 tribes & 12 disciples
The Armor of God (Preparing for spiritual battle)
Fruits of the Spirit (9 qualities we are known by in Christ)
Qualities of Love (1 Corinthians 13)
Identify & stop wrong behavior (Colossians 3)
Our daily wardrobe (Colossians 3)
Having true wisdom (James 3)
Effort to support your faith (2 Peter 5)
Our attitude towards others (Ephesians 4)
People of Faith (Hebrews 11)
I’m sure there are more I have yet to think of or find…
In all of these, I learned there is a sense of order. Many of the lists are an outline of priorities intended to be followed. Guidelines. Boundaries. Ways to live.
what to do with an idol?
You know what’s funny? I googled, “what to do with an idol” & “how to get rid of an idol”. One of the first few articles that popped up said: “Try this exercise: make a list…” I laughed inside & then decided to do what I should have done first: ask the Lord.
He reminded me:
The first commandment tells us you shall have no other gods before me. The second: you will not make a likeness of God. Don’t make something like me. (An idol is a picture or replacement of god, but is less than.)
I really have been evaluating things all wrong. His thoughts are not my thoughts. They’re much, much higher. My definition of success is not His definition of success. I really can’t do it all. Only He can. I don’t have to wait for a task to be completed to rest or feel free. My rest is found in Him. I am free now. & I’m not having fun because I take life way too seriously. That’s just a Brooke problem.
By all means, steward your life well. Making a list is not wrong. But the posture of our heart matters. Know who the Lord is & know His Word. Follow His way.
NEW. Keep an eternal perspective at the forefront. Kingdom mindset. I can ask Him to help me move in a new & better direction. I can love Him with my heart & my mind. I can remember: His mercy is new every morning.
How I’m fighting:
I’m asking worthwhile questions. Walking myself through the mindset coaching process.
Still daring to do life with God.
Praying with the Lord.
Looking for what He brings forth.