Thank you God for sustaining him.Thank you for giving him to me.

Time & again it comes to me; a quiet cadence of sorts in my subconscious at first. It makes its way forward & settles rhythmically into my thoughts as I lay my head upon my husband’s chest & hear his heartbeat.

I don’t know why or how it started really, but every time I hear this mesmerizing meter of the life within his chest, I can’t help but feel inclined to speak those words.

Recently, as I lay in bed early one morning, Levi next to me still sleeping, I felt my own heartbeat.  I immediately began to recite my prayer, only this time it was different.

Thank you God for sustaining ME. Thank you for giving Levi & I to each other.

Then. My mind carried me to another place. Reclining on my back, my husband ever so near & holding my hand. We are looking at a monitor, & grinning from ear to ear, awaiting a heartbeat. 

My goodness. In that vision, I couldn’t help but think of the day we would hear our child’s heart beat for the very first time. I knew in my own heart that in hearing that rhythmic pulse, my lips would immediately give thanks to my God.

Thank you God for sustaining this life.Thank you for giving us this child.

The moment was precious. The moment was bright. But my mind whisked me away. This time to a darker place. A place in which my husband was no longer near. My eyes welled with tears as the thoughts settled cold & starkly around me. The moment was dark. & I began to ponder a thought. Although I would no longer be able to lay my head upon his chest & hear his heart beat... I dare to say, I would be reminded:

Because Your gracious love is better than life itself, my lips will ever praise You. David said this in Psalm 21:6.

& so I prayed I would have the strength to say...

'Thank you God for sustaining him as long as you did. Thank you for the undeniably beautiful life we've shared. To honor you, I give him back to You, for I know he was always Yours anyway. With Your grace, I will find rest knowing that as long as he is with You, You continue to sustain him. I too will be sustained again, only by & through You. We will all live. Together. Forever. 

You have always loved us best. You are closer than the heart within my chest.

Update: A few years after writing this in my notebook, we went on to hearing our daughter’s heartbeat. She is now 2 years old & today we are living as a family of 3. Taking care of our things. & each other. Living life.

I share this story not to be depressing or sad. In-between each story is God who sustains. It is He who gives us life. It is He who has given us each other. That is what matters.

Psalm 54:4 reads, "Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." This is the word of the Lord.